Thursday, July 3, 2008

Waiting for Sweet Relief

The last couple of days have been so hard. Jane has had a fever for the 4 days and is on antibiotics and Madeline has been desperately needing more attention. It is hard for me because I have so much patience with Jane in her crying sick state but hardly any for Madeline. It makes me feel guilty. It seems like I am doing everything I can to be a "good mom" but I end up in tears with two screaming naked children.
It really is hard to grasp what God means when he says, "have faith like a child." My first initial thought is "well we all know that Jesus didn't have kids so it is easy for him to say." I guess I am going to have to dig deeper into what it means to be a crying, helpless, and sick child before God. Maybe that's what brokenness is. Hopefully I will be able to receive grace with open arms like my children open their arms for me to pick them up by begging and tearing at my legs.
Part of me thinks that I don't have enough time to be broken right now. There is too much to do and too much going on in all the nooks and crannies of my life. I am just keeping my head over water as it is. Being a full time mom is one of the hardest jobs I think I will ever know. (being married feels like a full time job some days too)
On a good note I have been able to go swimming every day this week. I need it. At the end of the day I need to be able to walk away and feel productive with no "mom guilt." I can tell I am becoming a better swimmer but I still am a little afraid I might not make it across that river.

Psalm 38
O Lord, rebuke me not in thy wrath: neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.
For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore.
There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.
For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.
I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.
For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee.
My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.
My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
They also that seek after my life lay snares for me: and they that seek my hurt speak mischievous things, and imagine deceits all the day long.
But I, as a deaf man, heard not; and I was as a dumb man that openeth not his mouth.
Thus I was as a man that heareth not, and in whose mouth are no reproofs.
For in thee, O LORD, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.
For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me.
For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me.
For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.
But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied.
They also that render evil for good are mine adversaries; because I follow the thing that good is.
Forsake me not, O LORD: O my God, be not far from me.
Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.

excuse me for being a bit dramatic


Jonny said...

No need at all for an excuse. I don't understand what it's like to raise kids. At best, I see a kid for two hours, try to teach them something, and then they leave. You're really brave for being a mom. And you're really wonderful for sharing yourself and being vulnerable. It's hard to do that, even on the Internet.

amanda. said...

i am definitely learning, through having these two beautiful boys, what it is to rely on God for every little thing. mostly, for my patience and understanding and peace, inside mySelf & maybe more importantly, to convey that to my children. to not let my emotions get in the way of their needs, even if their way of telling me what they need is through screaming and tantrums & pushing every button i didnt even know i had.

much peace & prayers, mama. you seem pretty amazing to me.

leann (gorman) wood said...

you're a good mom. and a good swimmer.